i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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