I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
