you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
