she woke up with a sticky ear
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
