So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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