Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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