You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
