Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
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Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
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It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
There's even glitter on my cock...
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