Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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