woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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