Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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