i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
