The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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