Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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