I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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