I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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