i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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