wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He passed out mid-signature
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
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when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
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But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume