All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dating After Heartbreak
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.