I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
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i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
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Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups