Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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