im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
