I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
