I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
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My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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