Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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