If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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