Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
