I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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