i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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