Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I looked at my own cervix.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
