dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
