I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
