a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i wish my penis had a tongue
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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