You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
