I bet he comes in French.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
