Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
