Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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