I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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