mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
