she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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