I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize