i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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