just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
