I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
