i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
