I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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