i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
