i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
