Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
