if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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