I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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