I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
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And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
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He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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