This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
