he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
