Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
