My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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