Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
