So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
