I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
