Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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