I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
