I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
