I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
